Eloise Story, Couch Surfing 

By: Audrey Bunan

In the quiet suburban corners of East Pasadena, California, white picket fences, manicured lawns, and red roofs concealed real struggles. Eloise’s young life was insular in this small town known for its sound school system--something especially important to her intellectually driven father. No sooner had she entered the school system, he'd become utterly absent in her life.

Years Of Neglect 

11 Years Old: 

By the time Eloise’s father had fully relocated to a country over 10 thousand miles away, Eloise’s sister was burdened with a ruined home and left as often as possible. Emilia would hop between staying over at friends' or not coming home from her boyfriend's house for long periods. Though she was avoiding the depressing atmosphere and the despondent mother who roamed it, Eloise’s would have no such luxury from the misery. Without her older sister, Eloise was left with only her mother who was heavily medicated and unfit to parent. Imagine the smallest home in a pool of opulent suburbia, cluttered due to her mother's hoarding, an empty fridge leaving the young girl's stomach growling, and lights hardly ever lit. It wasn’t long before Eloise developed dissociative disorders, passing her time by creating detailed fantasy worlds as she didn’t have the resources to do anything else. She would make whimsical kingdoms out of the clutter and make pretend friends that she would speak to. It was the zombie apocalypse in San Marino; her mother turned into a grim puppet of life’s demise. She stumbled through the dark corners of their house with a vacant gaze, instilling a sense of hopelessness into the air ducts of their two-bedroom home. Not even the California sun glowing through their skylights could fill the murkiness that permeated that house. Even with a lack of sunlight, Eloise preferred the zombie-like persona her mother adopted while on medication; anything was better than what would happen if her mother’s brain was left in its natural state. Despite living in the same home with her, Eloise was motherless. That house was a rotten and energyless dead-end, and they could no longer pay the rent. The eviction called for a new location. 2,800 miles away lived the Catholic grandparents. 

 

1 Timothy 5:8: "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Grandparents' house: “The villa,” Greenwich, Connecticut. 

Eloise’s second-generation Italian immigrant  grandparents took her and her mother in following their foreclosure, considering it their “Catholic duty.” They found Eloise’s reservation and lack of sociability a sign of bad manners. To them, she was the “devil child. " For most, “the devil child” would be defined as an impolite child with hostile behaviors, but to Teddy and Kathleen, her lack of spirit and volume made her a threat and burden in their home. She showed too many signs of sharing her mother’s psyche. As Eloise lay in the basement, her thoughts tried to make sense of her existence as they always did to cope. The musty scent of the room filled her nostrils, and the rough texture of the mattress beneath her almost felt comforting, creating a space that she could call her own. She thought about her mother’s family's success in inventing the Pacific food company, making them reach levels of wealth that immigrants only longed for in the American Dream. Yet, all the resources couldn’t save her mother from becoming a zombie in her own home.  As she tamped down a rising panic attack, Eloise couldn't help but think of her grandfather, a man praised by many who, in reality, held a mean streak that ran deep. He quickly critiqued her every move, and his outdated political views clashed hard with hers. She wondered: How could he have such conservative views on economics and mental illness, seeing how my mom and I struggle? Memories of her grandfather remained unfavorable while living in their Greenwich basement; walking home from the eighth grade shouldn’t entail walking by the kitchen on a spring day and seeing your grandfather watch erotica through the windows. “It’s just human nature,” her cousins would respond, coming to Teddy’s defense. Absolute brown noses, she’d think, but never say. 

Freezing on Greenwich Ave

School was brutal; no one knew her, and Eloise didn’t bother to know anyone either. Coming “home” was just as hard. Her “space” consisted of a tiny basement with cold air seeping through the wooden cracks of the walls and no door between her and the house's occupants. Hiding in the furthest corner of the room to change, goose bumps crawled onto her almond skin as she changed, going as farthest she could from the entrance to avoid being seen through the door as a blossoming tween by her family. 

“I felt they hated me because they knew what I was hiding.” 

13 Years Old:

Eloise came out to her sister Emilia. Pre-2015, it hadn’t yet become socially acceptable to admit you weren’t interested in men, so she came out as “bisexual.”  Eloise kept this part of herself hidden, knowing that her catholic family wouldn’t allow her to stay with them anymore if they knew she was gay. The fusion of puberty, self-discovery and angst at her familial situation caused Eloise to resent every aspect of her life. She sent hateful letters to Emilia:

 

Hey Emilia,

 It feels like you've completely checked out of my life since you’ve gone away. I've sent you five letters, and I get nothing back. It's like you don't even care. Your life has been so different than mine, and it’s unfair that you’ve never even seen the bad parts of mom AND you had dad around… not that I want dad around but maybe it was nice I WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW. 

I’m stuck with the fucking catholic king and queen of Naples, AND I HATE IT HERE. It feels like I’m sinking into quicksand and every comment and criticism pulls me further underground. A girl at school called me a “dyke”. How does she even know?! Is it obvious, and if she could tell, can Kathleen and Teddy? You would never understand, and clearly, you don’t even try to. 

You're off living your best life, and I'm stuck here with our zombie of a mother. It’s not your fault that youre gone and I guess you have a whole life ahead of you but I just wish you’d care a little more but whatever, I guess I’m being infantile. 

If you were wondering, I’ve picked up drawing again; it helps me stay sane. I spend most of my days in bed in the basement with my sketchbook under the covers. It’s freezing, and where the stink bugs seem to migrate most, you’d think they’d find refuge in the hotter rooms of the 4th floor, but I’m assuming Teddy’s scent of aftershave repels them.

Here are some of my sketches if you are curious 

Love, Eloise

 

Aunt Michelle 

The angst of Greenwich eventually froze over, and Eloise gladly hopped on a plane to Maryland to live with her Aunt Michelle, where she would spend the remainder of high school. She slept through nights on their porch with nothing but a HEAVY DUTY MAGNETIC MESH SCREEN DOOR. It hardly kept out the minibeasts bombarding her in her sleep, but it was better than sleeping with the stench of stink bugs shadowing her sheets. Despite the not-too-pleasant living situation, it might as well have been a tropical resort in Cancun; leaving her mother and grandparents was paradise. Her mattress, a lounge chair. Her oversized levis, a floral-linen maxi dress. The screen was a pristine white umbrella. Gratitude wasn’t situational to Eloise; her life was one of constant adaptation, and escaping one lousy situation to one less would suffice. She quickly learned to adapt to Michelle's quirks and annoyances and fed her with compliments so as not to make her regret opening her arms to Eloise.

 

She kept her grievances to herself and wrote them in the small leather journal she stole from Teddy in Greenwich.

• The loud chewing and slurping.

• The constant repetition of the same lame stories from Michelle’s “rebellious” childhood.

• Her ignorant political comments → was she really that offended by homosexuality, or was it all a facade to uphold her “religious” affiliation? Trust me when the bible wrote, "We have only two choices: accept people or reject them.” Jesus did not mean to make gays the exception.

Every person Eloise lived with taught her a bit more about how to express herself. Her sister would note how, after leaving Michelle, she would “talk like a politician,” rehearsing lines to please others so as not to take advantage of their kindness. She learned to exaggerate appreciation even in reference to the most minor deeds. 

 

Back in Greenwich, Graduating :)

Eloise finished high school in Greenwich following her stay at Aunt Michelle. By this time, she had become accustomed to the switches and began warming up to people. “A forced extrovert” is how she’d describe what she had become, saying that to seek help, she had to form genuine connections with others. When the time for graduating came along, she put Teddy and Kathleen’s home address down to receive in-state tuition. At this point, her mom was elsewhere, and Eloise was ready to take charge of her future, getting a degree from university and committing endless hours to her school paper. 

Eloise seeks refuge in the summer working as a sleepaway camp counselor, unsure of where she’ll live following her graduation. She is no longer protected by the borders of her dorm room; however, human connection is what will end up helping her off her feet and bringing her a new kind of refuge.